Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
And that's when he stuck his finger up his own ass to prove it would feel good...
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
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I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
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I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
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