Prereq for being on nyc prep: money, bitchy, and a lazy eye... if only you were rich
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
when i was alone, his dick was there for me...
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
hey now, it was 6 bucks for 5 shots. you would have lost your panties too.
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
Randomize
