I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
apparently i tried to facetime the drunk bus last night, that's probably why we had to walk back to campus
Drunk ass.
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
