you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
So... 5th graders can't whisper for shit, but apparently I have an awesome rack.
Haha. Niice.
Yeah, I didn't know whether to be shocked or flattered.
both.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
My vagina is very pro this idea
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