Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
Well statistically J has a 1 in 3 chance of hospitalization when downtown
And a 3 for 3 for disapeearing
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
