At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
He was on my bed looking at me like a sacrifice to the gods of gay sex and he's definitely a bottom. Like Jesus Christ a really, really great ass of a bottom.
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
Randomize
