let's just say, the carpet matched the drapes. in colour and length.
too bad you can't see the clap by looking at her face.
she is a standing ovation.
So you honestly dont remember putting honey in your bong? You kept talking about how you wanted to become a bee and fly
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
What's the right thing to say when he sends me a picture of his penis ?
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
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