i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
I yelled at your uterus for you.
the raccoons are back...
Randomize
