Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's