i'm signing you up for texting rehab
Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
he whispered in my ear that he would be upstairs and i should come up. i stayed downstairs. he came back down and repeated to whisper in my ear. this happened about 5 times until he passed out.
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I promise you 4 toothbrushes taped together and lube does not do the trick
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
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i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
I'm like the big dick whisperer.