i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
I wish his dick was as long as his hair.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
Absence makes the cock grow harder.
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
Randomize
