Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
I mean, it's a romantic picture of pubes if I've ever seen one
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Randomize
