I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
It was like a drunk episode of Dora the Explorer. In English.
Single handedly the worst sex I've ever had just went down. Its like we both laid there after word-less thinking about the other " could they be any worse in bed" ?
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
there are not enough nopes in the world for that situation.
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
Tanner. All u drink. 10 bckaa. Locked in Porto potty outside. Constructed area. Main strrrreeeett. Fuck. Help. Pleese
Randomize
