she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
you came here, splled a bunch of margaritas, hung up a picture of yourself and then left
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
Boys DO look like their dicks. Its like dogs.
threw up outside of the dorms in the parking lot in the pouring rain on the first day of class, i'd say summer is off to a good start.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
Well at least the house will be decorated when u get evicted.
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
Randomize
