Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
Someone told me they could tell we were from cincinnati because we say "as fuck" after adjectives
no morals, dignity, or self respect ... just an empty condom wrapper and a facebook request
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
i think beer pong is the only time ive ever found a use for geometry
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
Randomize
