so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Precisely.
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
Perfect. Let's do that. I'm thinking everclear and green dye as our base. We shud start from there
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
Randomize
