What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
Nakedness is not a toga. Just sayin
i knew he was a douchebag when his facebook activities were "ladeis," and "gettin crunk wit ladeis"
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
Randomize
