you kept wiggling your finger at everybody at the party telling us this is how he fingered me. you seemed pretty upset about it.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
please come back. it's turned into strip rock paper scissors
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
Randomize
