He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
if it were possible I'd exchange my vagina for a diff one on the black market.
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
So i just found out i replied to my room mates craigslist ad. Akward
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
Randomize
