My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
I just masturbated mid-day, thinking of you
I think that is one of the most romantic things I have ever heard from a fuck buddy on v-day, there is a strong possibility that you will soon be my girlfriend.
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
Can vaginas get frostbite?
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Randomize
