You found a girl to hook up with at a gay bar?
No. His name was Paco. I didn't get it by choice. I never had a hickey before.
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
I couldn't accept the bj. My penis has done nothing wrong and didn't deserve the punishment of her face.
She's licking the seat belt now. Feeling a little uncomfortable
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
Should I bring my 4 pairs of bunny ears? Or is that too weird?
4 pairs might be a bit much
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
