your life is more of a joke than dina lohan.
if you\'re going to compare me please pick the classy one. Michael Lohan.
he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
Some kid just walked into class with his schedlue written on a keystone box.
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
I just watched how this is made for an hour because I was tooo high to remember what they were making. it was like a prize at the end.
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
It's rum buckets o'clock
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
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