Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
I cant wait for your democrat phase to be over.
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
ya, but you'll graduate college with a higher education. I'm looking at at least two addictions, an abortion, and a few weeks jail time.
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
Just did ten shots in 8.34 minutes........ Slowly getting over the loss
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
Yeah like 200 white people came and they are playing that one Biggie Smalls song everyone knows.
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
Randomize
