And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
How many times a week can a couple have a threesome with the same guy before it becomes some sort of 3-way relationship?
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
Randomize
