I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
Two words: nipple clamps
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