A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
Randomize
