She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
I must say, I don't like the act of throwing up, but the feeling after is quite delightful
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
She. Own s my pussycat. Roxk it like. The sun hitting the horizon
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
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