I'm in your bed right now
Okay meet you there give me 10
Don't think you can make me leave either
Give me ten I ha e to be ******'s wingman I want you
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
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