WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.
Do you think I could use my teacher of month Award to get free drinks?
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
Randomize
