drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
they're using the ping pong table for ping pong. it's weird
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
P.S. The slutty NASCAR driver costume will be saved and used year round for role play.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
Randomize
