what are you wearing?
Just my guilt
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place
Between the dance party in the car and the distraction of the momma bear and two cubs im a cops wet dream roght now when comes to wreckless driving.
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
I'm not gonna lie. I'm a little scared.
Good. The Jell-O shots look great.
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
Randomize
