6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
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Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
she told me i should dip my dick in chocolate and then let her blow me since it was her 2 favorite things. weird or my new valentine for this year?
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded
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he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
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