please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
We have nothing in common but the sex rocks, would it be awful to develop a drug habit just to have a topic of conversation?
right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
did the walk of shame through a baseball field. .A little league game was going on. Proceeded to buy a hot dog at the concession stand. the looks were priceless.
29 Petty People Reveal The Shallow Reasons They Turned Someone Down
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
And you kept repeating "I didn't know know that this was a no blow job zone."
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
21 Horribly Evil Pranks To Play On Your Drunk Friends
The goal for tonight is vagina. In and around. Doesn't matter who. How. Or why.
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.