why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
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