Her name starts with A and ends with whore.
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
hey girl hope you're alright, you hit that tree really hard. have a good night.
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
You know it's been awhile when the imagery of fucking AT A DENNY'S gets me really turned on.
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
Shame is for Republicans.
Randomize
