I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
We left him in some bushes a few blocks down toward campus. Did he find his way home?
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
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