I puked a lego.
i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
3 inches of snow, below zero windchill and i just saw a dude in a wrangler with no doors, shorts a beanie and burton snow goggles. God i love college in colorado
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
Randomize
