Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
I just realized that the music from spongebob is also used in real sex HBO.
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
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