I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
Come get me...at gazebo by side entrance....im passed out in a bush...this is a Bar A bouncer texting for your buddy
Rebounding with her sister was the best idea i ever had.
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
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