I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
He's the conductor of the struggle bus
I RODE THAT FINE PIECE OF STRUGGLE BUS
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
Randomize
