So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
The cops just drove by on their loudspeaker going DO NOT DRINK THE WATAHH
I love boston
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
5am update: in a toga seeing triple made out with both sexes
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
Randomize
