I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
i stapled my math hw together with an ear ring, too ghetto?
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
You might call them booze related cuts, I call it "partying so hard you sweat blood"
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
Randomize
