I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
Nights of college: 1. Virgins: 1. Yes.
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
Dude respond to my evite. You're either coming to the orgy or not.
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
Randomize
