What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
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Two girls just making out in the elevator. Didn't stop when the doors opened. Part of me didnt mind, but part did. Bc I wanted to get on the elevator without it getting awkward. Am I gay?
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
He was very considerate of my needs, he offered me pizza before and after.
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Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
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