I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
but i have a bet that her boyfriend is going to try and deflower her tonight so i better get a move on if i want to videotape it
He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
I wanna just rip ass and see his reaction but i bet itd be better to shatter that illusion when hes drunk
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
a victory without nudity is not really a victory
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
Randomize
