You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
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