She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
there needs to be a "man fax report". like car fax. type in the guys name and bday and up pops all the bad shit he's ever done.
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
So this snow storm is NOT helpin my masturbation problem
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
can we fuck so we can live up to our nicknames for eachother?
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
Randomize
