1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
If he looks like a Gremlin DO NOT get him wet.
You can't motorboat a personality
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
? I'm just sitting watching something borrowed alone, crying in my boxers , feel like I should probably do something
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
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