I wanna do crazy things to you in a tent
fuckk wrong person
.. who was that for? a girlscout?
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
Does boxed wine and camel crushes signify a college date? Lets hope so
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
Like I respect him so much I would suck his dick
In a very non respectful way
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
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