I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
Randomize
