I want to come over to your house, give you money for liquor, fuck you, and then kick it untill I have to go home. Was that blatent enough for you?
very cute, but more "I wanna put you in my pocket and keep you as a pet" and less "please bang me" type of cute.
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
Out of everyone here, the sober one caught the cat on fire.
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
After the "sex" was over I dressed as quickly as possible. And then he came over to me stark naked and embraced me. For over a minute. And all I could think was please get your penis off my dress.
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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