so last night was fun and all.. but you might want to get tested
I would say the hottest chick there looked like Susan Boyle and the ugliest like Bea Arthur
Nice use of current day folklore
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
I can only only sleep there on nights I orgasm cause he snores so loud and if he leaves me hanging one more time ill probably cut off his dick from lack of sleep and frustration
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
Randomize
