Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
Im just a social blackout drinker.
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
GOOGLE HAS JUST RELEASED AN UPDATE THAT ALLOWS YOU TO CATCH POKEMON USING MAPS. Pack your shit, our time has COME.
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
Randomize
