Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
More importantly this is sex weather and i am striking out
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
When one of my seniors asked "Rough night?" I realized my poor decisions involving Tuesday night drinking did not go unnoticed.
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
Randomize
